Whether you've reached here by chance or by choice, welcome to my website
The Insanatorium
There's no serious content on this home page - it's just a compendium of things that amuse me
... like this favourite movie quote ...
"What he doesn't know about Vampirism wouldn't fill a flea's codpiece."
From Hammer Films 1974 release 'Captain Kronos: Vampire Hunter‘, a line delivered by Horst Janson as Kronos about his hunchbacked assistant, Professor Hieronymous Grost.
Copyright © 2021-2023 Graeme Srigley
Classic double-entendres aired on British TV & Radio
"And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"
Pat Glenn - weightlifting commentator
"Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."
New Zealand - Rugby Commentator
"This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."
Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator
"Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."
Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977
"One of the reasons Arnie is playing so well is that before each tee shot his wife takes out his balls and kisses them .....”
US PGA Commentator
"You'd eat beaver if you could get it."
Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live'
"So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?"
A female news anchor to the weatherman the day after it was supposed to have snowed
"Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday."
Steve Ryder covering the US Masters
"There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."
Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on 'Look North'
"Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."
Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports
“They seem cold out there. They're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."
Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage
"Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.”
Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunesson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open
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60 Great Country Music song titles what done got wrote
from a larger list by George Hupka at
https://www.downstream.ca/country1.htm
All The Guys That Turn Me On Turn Me Down
At The Gas Station Of Love I Got The Self Service Pump
Beauty Is Only Skin Deep But Ugly Goes Clean To The Bone
Come Out Of The Wheatfield, Nellie, You're Going Against The Grain
Drop Kick Me Jesus Through The Goal Posts Of Life
Get Off The Stove, Grandma, You're Too Old To Ride The Range
Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In The Bed
Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm a'Kissing You Goodbye
Hand Me The Pool Cue And Call Yourself An Ambulance
Her Teeth Were Stained But Her Heart Was Pure
Here's A Quarter, Call Someone Who Cares
He's Got A Way With Women And He's Just Got Away With Mine
How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
I Bought The Shoes That Just Walked Out On Me
I Can't Get Over You Till You Get Out From Under Him
I Fell For Her, She Fell For Him And He Fell For Me
I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me
I Flushed You From The Toilet Of My Heart
I Gave Her The Ring, She Gave Me The Finger
I Hate Every Bone In Your Body Except Mine
I Kissed Her On The Lips And Left Her Behind For You
I Still Miss You Baby But My Aim Is Getting Better
I Went Back To My Fourth Wife For The Third Time And Gave Her A Second Chance To Make A First Class Fool Out Of Me
I Wish I Were A Woman So I Could Go Out With A Man Like Me
I Wish I Were In Dixie Tonight But She's Out Of Town
I Would Have Wrote You A Letter But I Couldn't Spell Yuck
I'd Rather Hear A Fat Girl Fart Than A Pretty Boy Sing
I'd Rather Pass A Kidney Stone Than Another Night With You
If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life Then Number Two On You
If I'd Killed You When I Wanted To I'd Be Out Of Jail By Now
If My Nose Was Running Money I'd Blow It All On You
If She Puts Lipstick On My Dipstick I'd Probably Fall In Love
If You Can't Live Without Me Why Aren't You Dead?
If You Don't Leave Me I'll Find Someone Who Will
If You Leave Me Can I Come Too?
I'm Double Parked By The Curbstone Of Your Heart
I'm Not Married But The Wife Is
I've Been Roped And Throwed By Jesus In The Holy Ghost Corral
Jeremiah Peabody's Polyunsaturated Quick Dissolving Fast Acting Pleasant Tasting Green And Purple Pills
Jesus Loves Me But He Can't Stand You
Last Night I Went To Bed With A "10" And Woke This Morning With A "2"
Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Grampa's Head)
My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him
One Day When You Swing That Skillet My Face Ain't Gonna Be There
Our Love Didn't Die Of Natural Cause, It Was Honky-Tonked To Death
Phantom Of The Opry
Redneck Martians Stole My Baby
Saddle Up The Stove, Ma, I'm Riding The Range Tonight
She Broke My Heart, I Broke Her Jaw
She Got The Gold Mine, I Got The Shaft
She Got The Ring, I Got The Finger
She Offered Her Honor, He Honored Her Offer And All Through The Night It Was Honor And Offer
The Last Word In Lonesome Is Me
The Pint Of No Return
Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart
Welcome To Dumpsville, Population Me
You Can't Have Your Kate And Edith Too
You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat
You Were Only A Splinter As I Slid Down The Banister Of Life
You're The Hangnail In My Life And I Can't Bite You Off
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The Surreal Thoughts of Steven Wright
"Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy."
"Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now."
"I intend to live forever - so far, so good."
"Eagles may soar but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines."
"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."
"The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach."
"If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before."
"If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate."
"What's another word for Thesaurus?"
"For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism."
"I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize."
"If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you."
"It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it."
"Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them."
"Monday is an awful way to spend a seventh of your life."
"The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread."
"Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?"
"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."
"The other night I was lying in bed looking up at the stars and I wondered where the hell is my roof?"
"Why isn’t the word 'phonetically' spelled with an 'f'?"
"All those who believe in Psychokinesis raise my hand."
"What happens if you get scared half to death twice?"
"Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it."
"The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."
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Did George W. Bush Really Say That?
"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."
"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities."
"The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country."
”Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."
"Welcome to Mrs. Bush and my fellow astronauts."
"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change."
“One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures.”
“They misunderestimated me.”
“Our enemies are innovative and resourceful and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways
to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.”
“It’s clearly a budget. It’s got lots of numbers in it.”
“I know the human being and fish can co-exist peacefully.”
“In my sentences I go where no man has gone before.”
“I just want you to know that when we talk about war, we're really talking about peace.”
“It's a time of sorrow and sadness when we lose a loss of life.”
“I'll be long gone before some smart person ever figures out what happened inside this Oval Office."
“I think we agree the past is over.”
“Thank you, your Holiness. Awesome speech.”
“For every fatal shooting there are about three non-fatal shootings. Folks, this is unacceptable in America.”
“There are cameras nowadays that have been developed to tell the difference between a squirrel and a bomb.”
“It will take time to restore chaos.”
“I think if you know what you believe it makes it a lot easier to answer questions. I can't answer your question.”
"This is an impressive crowd. The Have's and Have-More's. Some people call you the elites. I call you my base.”
"The problem with the French is that they don't have a word for 'entrepreneur'.”
"Ι have opinions of my own, strong opinions, but I don't always agree with them.”
"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
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